India to Beat Brazil in World Cup Final

For the 14th consecutive time, India failed to qualify for the FIFA World Cup Finals. Noting that the country had fared just as poorly in sports such as basketball and volleyball, Union Sports Minister Oscar Fernandes summed it up like this: “We Indians are just not used to big balls.”

But he pointed out that India’s worst loss during the World Cup qualifying round was only 7-0 to Japan. “In American football,” he said, “that would be only one score. So it’s not as bad as it looks.”

He added that the All-India Football Federation had set high goals for 2010 and beyond. “In just a few years,” he said, “we will be very proud of our Indian team. Our aim for the next World Cup is not to lose any game by more than five goals. We will put all 11 players between the goalposts if we need to.”

Fortunately, Indian soccer fans will not have to wait until 2010 to enjoy World Cup success. Acclaimed Bollywood director Mahesh Bhatt, himself a frustrated soccer fan, is all set to produce a movie in which the Indian team not only qualifies for the World Cup, but beats Brazil 3-2 in the final. Who will score the winning goal? None other than 63-year-old Amitabh Bachchan. “It may seem farfetched,” Bhatt said. “But what good is a Bollywood movie without Big B in it.” He added that the movie’s tentative title is “Bend it like Bachchan.”

Bachchan will be known as the “Super Sub.” He will enter the game in the 89th minute and score a quick goal, then lead the team in a five-minute celebratory dance. The team will also dance and sing during injury stoppages.

Bhatt expects the movie to be a blockbuster. “Millions of Indian men are eager to see our team finally win the World Cup,” he said. “And Amitabh and the boys are going to do it in style. Everyone will leave the theaters filled with pride.”