Indians Rally to Adopt Clinton

A few months after they took to the streets to protest President Bush’s visit to India, millions of Indians rallied on June 20 to show their support for former President Bill Clinton. The rallies, which disrupted traffic in Delhi, Mumbai and other cities, were organized as part of ABCD (Adopt Bill Clinton Day).

Clinton has made five visits to India since 2000 and charmed Indians in much the same way he charmed Americans during his presidential campaigns. “He is as Indian as he is American,” said Manoj Shah, director of the Clinton Indian Association (CIA) , which helped organize the rallies. “In fact, many Indians actually believe he has ‘Indian’ in his name. They call him ‘Bill Clindian.’”

The CIA is trying to persuade the Indian government to offer Clinton dual citizenship. “Clinton visits India more often than many NRIs,” Shah said. “Some of them maintain Indian citizenship, but visit India only when their sons need brides.”

But the CIA faces opposition from a rival group that calls itself the BBCC (Beware of Bill Clinton Committee).

“Clinton still has political ambitions,” warned BBCC director Billy Jindal, no relation to Bobby. “If we give him Indian citizenship, the next thing you know, we’ll be swearing him in as Prime Minister.”

Shah laughed at that prospect, noting Sonia Gandhi’s struggles. “Clinton is more interested in returning to the White House as First Gentleman,” he said. “All we are trying to do is show our appreciation to him. He loves India and he has shown it in many ways.”

Indeed, during his first visit to India in 2000, Clinton was widely quoted as saying, “India is a wonderful country. It has nice scenery, attractive women, low taxes, attractive women, delicious food and, most importantly, attractive women.”

He has taken such a liking to Indian food – butter chicken, lentils, Malabar fish curry and naans are among his favorites – that he often visits Bombay Palace, a chic restaurant in Manhattan, and has his own table right next to the buffet. It is called the “Bill Hillary Table,” because after his lavish meals, Clinton has been known to leave without paying, saying to the manager, “Bill Hillary.”

Clinton has also endeared himself to Indians through his philanthropy. Last year, he visited India to help with tsunami relief and an anti-AIDS campaign. “He is such a great man,” Shah said. “His heart is almost as big as his stomach.”

During the ABCD rallies, people waved an assortment of signs and banners, carrying messages such as: “Clinton is an American-Indian,” “Adopt Our American Friend,” and “We Love You, Mr. Hillary.”

Hollywood Casts an Eye Toward India

Mira Nair, Deepa Mehta and Gurinder Chadha have made names for themselves as film directors and now Hollywood is taking notice in a big way. The Hollywood Directors Talent Agency (HDTA), hoping to recruit and groom a new crop of film directors, is sending a team of talent scouts to Punjab.

“We hope to find a dozen Punjabi women who have the potential to become great directors,” said Joel Stein, president of HDTA. “There is obviously something about Punjabi women that makes them good at directing.”

Not to be outdone, a competing agency, the Hollywood Talent Directing Agency (HTDA), has created a scholarship at New York University’s film school for a Punjabi woman with directorial potential.

“We are sending application forms to every remote village,” said Sheila Price, president of HTDA. “It’s important for the future of the movie industry that we make every effort to discover the next Mira, Deepa or Gurinder.”

The three directors, known as the “Terrific Trio” in movie circles, all have roots in Punjab and have exposed Punjabi culture to millions of people worldwide.

“Just a few years ago, I knew nothing about Punjabi culture,” Price said. “Nowadays I can’t live without my Bhangra. And my husband can’t live without his tandoori chicken.”

Price said her agency has already been flooded with scholarship applications, including one from Mandeep Singh of Amritsar. Contacted by phone, Singh raved about his wife Manpreet’s potential. “She would make a great director,” he said. “She is always directing me.” Manpreet could be heard shouting in the background: “What about your mother? She is a better director than me. And she’s got experience saying “Cut!” – whenever she hands me vegetables.”

Meanwhile, the Punjabi Association of America is trying to persuade the “Terrific Trio” to collaborate on a movie. “They’ve done a good job working on their own,” said PAA executive director Harsh Randhawa. “But if we could get them all together, we might end up with the greatest Punjabi movie ever.”

If such a movie is ever made, Indian-American actor Ranjit Chowdhry would be a shoo-in for a major role. He has already appeared in Nair’s Mississippi Masala, The Perez Family, Kama Sutra, and My Own Country, as well as Mehta’s Fire and Bollywood/Hollywood.

“I owe a lot to Mira and Deepa,” Chowdhry said. “If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be half as famous as I am.”

Delhi to Get New Name Too

Bombay became Mumbai, Madras became Chennai, Calcutta became Kolkata and Bangalore is making the switch to Bengaluru. Now comes news that Delhi will soon be known as Dilli. “Delhi is an English word, a colonial word,” said Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit. “In the local languages, everyone knows our great city as Dilli.”

Atlanta resident Archana Sen said the name change would benefit her and other new immigrants. “I’m so relieved about this,” she said. “Now people will not make fun of us when we say we’re from Dilli.”

The new name is also expected to benefit poets, many of whom had trouble getting anything to rhyme with Delhi, aside from ‘smelly.’

“It’s exciting,” said Indian poet Vikram Bikram. “Now I can write lines such as ‘Silly Willie went from Philly to Dilli to eat some chili.’ I hope no one steals that line. It took me all night to think of it.”

Job seekers will also welcome the change. “It will prevent misunderstandings,” said Raj Gopal, an accountant in Duluth, Ga. “I once went to an employment agency and told them I had worked in Delhi before. The next day, I had a job slicing meat.”

Perhaps the biggest beneficiary will be a company called City Change Inc., which helps Indian cities make the transition from a well-known to an unknown name. “People think it’s an easy thing,” said Rajiv Gupta, CEO of City Change, “but it’s a huge, costly process. We have to change countless signs, logos and stationery – and we also have to help businesses make the change. Do you have any idea how many Delhi Darbars there are?”

The city will also have to spend money on educating people around the world about the new name. “That’s very important,” Gupta said. “You won’t believe how many Americans still ask me what happened to Madras. They think it got swept away by the tsunami.”

Abraham George, a professor at the soon-to-be University of Dilli, questioned the name change, saying that the city was losing a name brand that had been built over many decades. “Imagine if Yahoo suddenly changed its name to Laloo,” he said. “It would lose money everywhere but Bihar.”

Chief Minister Dikshit said most people in the city, even the homeless, supported the name change, despite the cost. A homeless man who just happened to be standing outside her office agreed. “The name change is a good thing,” he said. “I would much rather be homeless in Dilli than homeless in Delhi.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the German airline Lufthansa has advised passengers who write “Dilli” on their suitcases to save time and not bother going to baggage claim. About 50,000 suitcases bound for Mumbai, Chennai and Kolkata were recently found in a warehouse at Frankfurt International Airport, all of them labeled “Undeliverable. City of destination not found on map.”

India to Beat Brazil in World Cup Final

For the 14th consecutive time, India failed to qualify for the FIFA World Cup Finals. Noting that the country had fared just as poorly in sports such as basketball and volleyball, Union Sports Minister Oscar Fernandes summed it up like this: “We Indians are just not used to big balls.”

But he pointed out that India’s worst loss during the World Cup qualifying round was only 7-0 to Japan. “In American football,” he said, “that would be only one score. So it’s not as bad as it looks.”

He added that the All-India Football Federation had set high goals for 2010 and beyond. “In just a few years,” he said, “we will be very proud of our Indian team. Our aim for the next World Cup is not to lose any game by more than five goals. We will put all 11 players between the goalposts if we need to.”

Fortunately, Indian soccer fans will not have to wait until 2010 to enjoy World Cup success. Acclaimed Bollywood director Mahesh Bhatt, himself a frustrated soccer fan, is all set to produce a movie in which the Indian team not only qualifies for the World Cup, but beats Brazil 3-2 in the final. Who will score the winning goal? None other than 63-year-old Amitabh Bachchan. “It may seem farfetched,” Bhatt said. “But what good is a Bollywood movie without Big B in it.” He added that the movie’s tentative title is “Bend it like Bachchan.”

Bachchan will be known as the “Super Sub.” He will enter the game in the 89th minute and score a quick goal, then lead the team in a five-minute celebratory dance. The team will also dance and sing during injury stoppages.

Bhatt expects the movie to be a blockbuster. “Millions of Indian men are eager to see our team finally win the World Cup,” he said. “And Amitabh and the boys are going to do it in style. Everyone will leave the theaters filled with pride.”