Indians Show no Love on Valentine's Day

Many Indians will not observe Valentine’s Day this year, but will instead participate in an Indian alternative called Balentine’s Day.

As one journalist put it, “Balentine’s Day is what you get when Valentine’s Day meets Bal Thackeray.”

Thackeray, the Shiv Sena chief, has long opposed Valentine’s Day, calling it “totally contrary to Indian culture” and a way for Western corporations to get rich off gullible Indians. Members of Shiv Sena and other right-wing groups have made it an annual ritual to attack stores selling Valentine’s Day cards and disrupt activities commemorating the day.

Thackeray has thrown his support behind Balentine’s Day, which replaces the annual Western day of love with an annual Eastern day of hate. “Whatever the West does, we must try to do the opposite,” Thackeray said. “People express love every single day of the year, so why not have a special day for hate?”

Psychologist G. Balakrishnan of Chennai believes that Balentine’s Day may actually be a healthier alternative to Valentine’s Day. “Most of us feel hatred toward someone or something at one time or another,” he said. “We are fairly good about expressing love, but we’re not sure what to do with hate. We bottle it up and it festers within us. By expressing it in a harmless way once a year, we get rid of our ill feelings and make more room in our hearts for love.”

Indian retailers expect to sell millions of Balentine’s Day cards, most of them produced by an Indian company called Ballmark Cards. “I never thought it would be this popular,” said Pramod Modha, owner of a Delhi card shop. “Some of my customers are buying dozens of cards. One of them said he’s going to send a card to each member of the Indian cricket team.”

Manoj Sharma, a Mumbai accountant, has already bought three cards. “It’s such a great idea,” he said. “I’m sending one to my ex-boss, one to my ex-wife and one to my ex-mother-in-law.”

Flower shops and other stores will not sell roses on Balentine’s Day, but will instead sell rose stems, with the thorns exposed. Sharma plans to send a thorny stem to his ex-wife, along with a card that says, “Roses are red, violets are blue, these stems are prickly, but not as prickly as you.”

Encouraged by the response, Thackeray hopes Balentine’s Day will eventually spread to Western countries. “Let them learn something from us for a change,” said Thackeray, who expects to receive thousands of Balentine’s Day cards.

India Embarks on Ambitious Plan

Soon after announcing their intention to send an astronaut into space by the year 2014, Indian authorities revealed that they were considering an even more ambitious plan: to provide toilets for all Indians by the year 3014.

“First we’ll put a man in space, then we’ll put a woman in space,” Gopal Pandey, a senior government official, said. “After that, we’ll dedicate all our resources to the toilet problem.”

Pandey acknowledged that many diseases are spread through poor sanitation and inadequate sewage disposal, which lead to water contamination. At least a third of India’s population has no access to toilets.

“Toilets are important,” Pandey said. “That’s why we are planning to put a toilet inside our rocket. Not only that, we’re also planning to be the first country to build a toilet on the moon.”

The space mission would enhance India’s position as a world leader, just as the nuclear program did, Pandey said. “Once we are recognized everywhere as a world leader,” he said, “we can focus on improving people’s lives.”

In defense of the plan, Pandey cited a government-funded survey conducted recently at a slum in Mumbai. Asked to choose between the space program and toilets for everyone, 90 percent of the 1,198 people surveyed picked the space program. As one man said, “We want space. Space is good.”

Added his wife: “If we have space, we don’t need toilets.”

People should not expect the government to build toilets, said M.K. Shastri, a Mumbai politician. “Where in the Indian constitution does it say that everyone should have a toilet?” he asked. “Toilets are not a constitutional right. If a family wants a toilet, they should go to the store and buy a hoe.”

Asked if he thought sewer systems and treatment plants were necessary, Shastri shook his head vigorously. “We have lots of treatment plants in India,” he said. “Just go and see an ayurvedic doctor. He will give you a plant for your treatment.”

Unlike Shastri, Pandey believes the government needs to build toilets, just not as quickly as some people believe. “We will eventually have one working toilet for every family,” he said. “One toilet that each person can enjoy with their children, parents, uncles, aunties and cousins.”